Today I'm Sad

I just wasted 2 hours watching every minute of film I have from the first 3 months of the twins lives.

Why does that make me sad? There is a total of one minute combined video of me holding a baby... this is from the minute they were born... through the first THREE months. Not ONE video of just me holding the babies, or holding one baby, nursing them, kissing them, cuddling them... nothing...

I was barely functioning during those months, I know. But I was functioning enough that all I did was kiss, nurse, and love those babies... and I am so sad I can't relive those moments. I don't have time to watch the next months videos, and I don't have the energy for more tears and letdowns.

I know people lived for years without videos. So, obviously, I'll survive. I'm just temporarily devastated, forever saddened that I can't watch or show them how I loved them in those months. Guess photos will have to suffice (which I have not dared look at either in case they let me down too).

Lesson learned. Bryce is really quite good at picking up the camera and recording things, I think we were both just out of it those first months. Moms need to be on camera too. As much as I love watching my kids and husband on camera... I want to be there too... unwashed hair, pj's, and all. :)

I will probably still cry a little that I don't have a video of our brand new babies in my arms... maybe a lot...